I have spent nearly all of my 50 years as part of the church.  I first began attending church when I was quite young.  My mother was saved after my dad had left her, and we began attending a local Baptist church in the area.  I remember spending a significant amount of time there.  It became a home and place of solace for our broken family.  We met many friends who truly became like family to us.  They showed us the love of Christ in very practical ways.  They met physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. They opened their homes and hearts and have influenced me for the good even as an adult.

However, what I remember most from being at church was the red-faced preaching of our pastor.  He was a fiery man with a propensity for pounding the pulpit with his fist.  His prayers were lengthy, his voice booming, and his overall presence intimidating.  He spoke of hell quite frequently and reiterated week after week that God was an angry God who was to be feared.  I had a challenging time reconciling that the same God who provided the inspiration for the weekly singing of “Heavenly Sunshine” was the same God that I needed to fear, nearly to petrification, with every fiber of my being.

The diet of fire and brimstone was far from nurturing. Week by week and year by year I grew to fear the Lord.  I feared His retribution for sin.  I feared His apparent disappointment in me, and I feared that I was one small step away from the gates of hell.  And while my head struggled to comprehend the seemingly contradictory attributes of God, somehow my heart knew that He was good.  My heart knew in its deepest depths that He loved me and cared for me.

I remember being saved at around the age of five.  That wouldn’t be the only time that I was saved. I prayed the prayer of salvation with such regularity that it almost became rote; it was my go-to prayer when I knew the Lord was disappointed with me for something that I had done. I just needed the reassurance that I was not doomed to hell.   So, I would cower and gravel and ask for forgiveness again and again and again.

As I grew, there was a genuine love for the Lord that was also growing.  Despite my fear, there was that still small voice within me that would break through to bring comfort and closeness. I saw Him provide and meet needs.  I saw His care and provision.  Despite what I was hearing behind the pulpit, my heart continued to be drawn to the Lord.  I began to share my faith; I was a steadfast prayer, too.  But there was always the fear; there was always the disappointment; there was always me never measuring up – never being good enough.

But on Sunday I pulled out a pretty dress and did my hair and looked the part just like everyone else.  I collected my Sunday School stickers and filled in each spot.  I looked good enough, sang well enough, and sat still enough to give the appearance of someone who was in right standing with the Lord.  I smiled and laughed and shared the pew with others who did the same.

My mom eventually would leave that church.  I never missed it.  The years there taught me to fear God in the most unhealthiest of ways.

What does this unhealthy fear of God lead to?  It leads to a salvation where works are done to ensure good standing in the sight of the Lord and not as an overflowing of love and service to Him.  It pushes us to a place where works are done to provide a momentary solace from wrath – a nudging away from the precipice.  When we fail to see the love of God we see His grip as suffocating not comforting; His gaze as leering and not loving; His hand as heavy and not helpful.  We work tirelessly to be good enough, knowing perfection on this side of heaven is unobtainable.

At the ripe old age of fifty, I am just now beginning to truly understand, grasp, and accept the loving side of my Heavenly Father.  For so long I only saw Him as a retributive referee keeping score of my every move – issuing penalty after penalty after penalty.  But that is not who God is.  It is not the posture He takes with those who are His. There is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ.  When God looks at me now, He sees His Son, Christ.  He sees His righteousness, not my sin.  He sees the loveliness of His only begotten Son and no longer the wretchedness of my sin.  That is the beauty of the gospel: my sin for His righteousness.  It’s truly an inequitable exchange and a mystery to behold, a sacrifice to be in awe of, an act so selfless and contrary to our sinful nature.  How can we stand in fear?  Why should we allow the wickedly crafted lie of fear to keep us from a full knowledge of who our God is?

Instead of being paralyzed by fear and feebly striving for perfection, let us strive to be more Christlike.  Let us lay aside the sinful, unlovely parts of ourselves.  Let our goal be holiness.  Be sanctified and refined, malleable in the hand of the potter.  May we have confidence in knowing that our salvation is sealed and that no work emanating from us contributes to salvation or gains favor.  Jesus Christ completed the only work needed for salvation: His death on the cross and resurrection.  Our feeble attempts to add more to this equation cheapen His sacrificial act of love and make it insufficient.

I have spent the past four years relearning who God is.  During this time I prayed that the Lord would show me Himself through His Word, and that what He revealed would penetrate my heart.  I prayed that He would show me my errant thoughts and help me to lay them aside.  I prayed that He would show me His great love and help me to have a biblical understanding of what it means to fear the Lord.  Today, I can confidently say that fearing the Lord is vastly different than being afraid of Him.

I want to recommend the book Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund.  It has been a transformative read for me.  Ortlund, grounded in scripture, eloquently shows us the heart of God for sinners.  If you have struggled with an unhealthy fear of the Lord, I would highly encourage you to read this book.  Another encouragement to me was the song, “How You Love Me” by Patrick Mayberry.  No song could better express my struggles and the ensuing revelation of who God is.

Friend, you have but one reason to fear God: if you are not His.  If you reject God, have laughed at the thought of needing a Savior, scoffed at the notion that you are a sinner, or denied Christ, yes, there is cause to fear God.  He is a loving, tender Father to His children – to those who have acknowledged their sin and have accepted the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ alone.  But for those who have rejected Him, there is wrath.  There is no sugar coating it.

But the gospel… The good news. The redemptive story of God. It is for you.

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